Deserving
by Cassandra Eve
Summary: inspired by the ep. 5 Verity and Ross's conversation. Ross keeps on thinking about Elizabeth. so it's up to his brain to slap some sense into him and set him straight.


**Deserving**

Ross is standing in the parlour at Nampara, he does not know how he got there for he remembers nothing of what he was doing previously. He looks around it was about mid-day, the sun high on the sky and no cloud in sight, humid wind blowing and birds chirping outside by the garden. It was unnaturally quiet…too quiet.

"Demelza?" he called and went in to the kitchen only to find her not there, even Garrick is nowhere in sight.

He searches for her upstairs in the bedrooms and in his library and still she was not there, he also realized that Julia was not in her cot. He went outside to the stables expecting to see Jud and Prudie lazing about but they too are missing. Only Darkie, who is currently eating some hay. He is all alone in his house.

Strange. He though, where could they possibly be?

He went for Darkie and saddled her, deciding to get to the bottom of this he rode to the moors and fields in hopes to find Demelza walking along with Garrick for her daily walk, but his efforts are for naught for the fields are empty and still no Demelza. He searches the cliffs and beaches and still nothing, about an hour of searching he grew worried and anxious, where could she have gone? Has she ran off? No it's not possible! They were incredibly happy as of late, none was amiss between them thus no reason for her to run off. And where was Julia? Has she took the babe with her?

Not knowing else what to do he rode to Trenwith in hopes to see if any of the residence there saw Demelza pass by. He was just by the gate and was greeted by faint laughter from the inside, he hops off his horse and went inside to see what the commotion is all about. As he steps into the dining room and into the winter parlour, he hears the familiar and warm laugh of Demelza and breathed a sigh of relief. So she was here after all, he thought. He turns to them with a smile on his face only to be greeted by the sight of Demelza on Francis's lap sweetly showering his face with kisses, with her a baby he does not know who belong to.

His wife! On his cousin's lap! Kissing!

"What is the meaning of this?!" he roared, enraged by the betrayal.

"Ross! What on earth are you doing here? Not that there is something wrong with that but why in heavens are you shouting dear cousin?" Francis spoke getting up, startled by his cousin's sudden outburst. Demelza moving away from where she was sitting holding the unknown babe in her arms.

"Why am I shouting? Can you please explain to me why on God's name is my wife sitting on your lap and k-kissing you?! And there better be a good explanation for this Francis or so help me-!" Ross would've love to continue to tell Francis what he has plan to do to him but froze when he heard the words that left his cousin's mouth.

"Your wife? But Ross Demelza is my wife! Surely you jest, you mustn't say you forgotten her! You just meet her last Christmas and you even attended Little Julia's christening just last February."

Julia? The babe Demelza is holding is Julia? Impossible! It cannot be!

"What madness is this?! What madness are you talking about Francis?! Elizabeth is your wife! And Geoffrey Charles your son!" Ross was feeling a cold sweat on his back for reason unknown to him. He has a very bad feeling about this.

"Elizabeth? Oh goodness Ross! You married Elizabeth months after you got back from the war! And you are already expecting a baby from her, in just a couple of months you will be a father." Francis reasoned, Demelza is at once by his cousins side patting his back and whispering soothing words.

"Francis dear, perhaps your cousin is ill, look he's pale, I'll go ask the maid to fetch Dr. Choke. Would you like that Captain Poldark?" the last question directed to Ross.

Ross feels faint. He feels like he's going to be sick.

Francis and Demelza? Julia their child?!

Him and Elizabeth, Married and expecting a baby?!

Heavens what madness is this!

Suddenly he can't hold his ground and was assaulted by a terrible headache, he found a chair to hold on to and tried to steady himself the best he could.

"Ross! Are you alright?" Francis was beside him holding him up, frantic and shocked. In his peripheral vision he can see Demelza calling out for a maid, Julia still in her arms, the world is blur and he can hardly make out the words that were leaving his cousin's mouth.

No no, this can't be, this cannot be true. Demelza…his wife and his sweet little baby Julia. No. please no.

When he saw Demelza approach, the darkness seemed to swallow him whole.

X

The next time he awoke he was standing in the middle Truro. Frantic and wide eyed he looked around once more, he tries desperately to search his brain for any possible reason how this come to happen, the previous scene still fresh from his mind, Francis with Demelza…Demelza! He must find her! Quickly he walked to the sides by the window, often glancing inside in some faint hope to see if Demelza is inside either of the stores, no such luck was found. He searched all over town till his feet were sore, it was almost sun down when he arrived at the docks. Once there, he can faintly see silhouettes approaching, stepping aside he turns to get a better look of who was approaching. His throat tighten when he saw it was George Warleggan, but what caught his breath is the woman standing beside George, hands wrapped around his arms.

Demelza!

She was dressed in beauty, in clothes of fine teal silk flowing around her like waves, white embodied gloves adoring her dainty hands, a gem of sapphire resting soundly on her collarbone, and her wild hair up but not tamed, several stubborn strands fall through her cheeks and neck with the wind picking them up and making them dance. A beautiful illusion. Like she, Aphrodite coming out the confinements of her home. With the waves still clinging to her as she chose to walk the earth amongst lowly humans. She was perfection.

And his heart hurt to see her with a scum like George Warleggan! He felt like his heart was continuously being stabbed. He wanted to go out of his hiding spot and take her away! George has no right to touch her! She! His wife! But suddenly he found he is rooted to the spot unable to move, just observe, he couldn't even speak.

He saw George look at her with something in his eyes, it could be just the reflection of the sun but he felt a cold dread suddenly in the pits of his stomach. George then grabbed Demelza's hand and turned her towards him, inching closer

Oh good God.

No. no no no no NO!

For the love of everything that is precious please no!

He saw Demelza smile and lean in to meet George's lips. The kiss was short but passionate, when they pulled away he can see the mirth and lust glazing over George's eyes. And Demelza was smiling radiantly, devotion on her lips.

"I love you George."

Ross can't breathe.

George looked directly at him, as If knowing he was there all the time. A mischievous smirk appearing on his lips.

"My dear, but what about Ross?" George asked.

Demelza appeared to be confused for a moment, then what she said next killed him.

"Who is Ross?"

Hot surging pain. Blazing pain in his chest. Shattering his soul. He hears a distant broken scream he later realized was his own.

No! Please! Demelza!

He screams again, his hands on either side of his head, the headache was back and this time, he feels the ground swallowing him whole. He lets it.

X

Ross awoke with a jolt, sweating and panting, his hands griping the sheets a little too tightly, and his knuckles white. As if possessed he looked around and he saw that he was back on his bed in his bedroom. He looks beside him and there Demelza is sleeping peacefully, not a care in the world…not knowing that her husband was in a middle of a breakdown.

Trying to control his breath and shaking limbs to not disturb Demelza, he searches once more in the room to find the cot, and there he can faintly see the outline of Julia deep in sleep. He puts a hand on his face and tries to compose himself. It was just a dream. All of it. There is no Francis and Demelza, and Julia is his own, there is no George and Demelza, there is no kiss and Demelza remembers him. She his wife and He her Husband.

He repeated this like a mantra for the rest of the night. He predicted the time to be three hours before sunrise, he tried to sleep, to reassure himself that this was reality and that the dreams were not real. That when he wakes up again everything will be alright and as it should be. Needless to say there was no sleep for him that night.

X

He is at the kitchen for breakfast, his eyes heavy with dark circles as he watches Demelza kneed some dough. When Demelza woke up she was surprised to find him awake and sitting still on his side of the bed, she tried to make conversations with him but he is still in a state of shock thus answered her with short response.

The dreams haunt him like the plague. When did it became so terrifying? The thought of losing Demelza to anyone is suddenly so hard to think of. Unbearable. Unimaginable.

His beautiful radiant wife… so loving and caring for everything…she is like a ray of sunshine in his dark world, and he like a starved man longing for affection attached himself to her, but still did not appreciate her enough.

He feels like he's been shot at the thought that he could easily lose his wife if he did not show her how much he loves her. How losing her would be his ruin…it makes him sick…

He blames himself. He did not show her how much she is loved, how much she is worth to him in his life. And him always thinking of Elizabeth, always thinking over a love that should be long buried in the past. That by constantly thinking of Elizabeth he overlooks and adds to her sufferings and thus causing her to doubt his love.

Good God, I should be struck and whipped!

He is in misery…because deep inside he knows that he is not deserving of her, that she deserves so much better than this. He knows it but she does not, she is blinded by her love for him, blinded by years of abuse her father inflicts on her to truly see what she is worth. That she is worth more than everything precious in this world combined. It was supposed to be his duty to reassure her of this, and yet in this he failed too.

She thinking that this is all she ever wanted, almost always near poverty but not complaining…never doubting him, trusting him, even loving him with all her heart yet convinced that she is second best in his…

Ross Vennor Poldark shame on you! He could feel his mother rolling in her grave for his failure as a husband.

"Ross, you worry me so…can't you tell me what the matter is?" he was suddenly aware of Demelza's hand resting on his shoulder. He looks up at her and sees the worry in her eyes. Oh how could he have failed to tell her his love?

But not anymore! Her doubts will end here!

"Oh! the first batch is done baking" smelling the bread, she retracts her hand and left to quickly put them out of the oven. He feels the lost and miss her terribly.

She was just putting the freshly baked bread inside the basket when he got up and encircled his arms around her waist and proceeding to bury his nose on her wild curls that smelled of butter and the Cornish wind. Inhaling deeply he tightened his hold.

"Ross what are you doing?" Demelza asked, confused. What has gotten into her husband today?

"I love you Demelza" he whispered silently like a prayer. "I haven't said that enough…I know it's late, but I want you to know that I love you so much Demelza, and every day I thank the Lord for giving you to me…I know you doubt my love-"

"oh Ross don't-"

"Let me finish my love, but I want you to know that no one could ever take your place. You are the only one in my heart Demelza and not even Elizabeth can take your place, not ever…My sweet wife, oh how I love you" He finished, as he turns her to him and kissing her gently on her parted lips, when he pulled away he can see the astonishment in her face, then it slowly morphs into a big blinding smile full of love. Love for him.

Why did it take this long for me to say these word? Words I should've said long ago.

"Oh Ross! I'm that happy, I love you so much husband" teary eyed, she says this as she wraps her arm around his neck and reward him with sweet kisses.

Oh how could anyone not love her? With her warm gaze and familiar touch, she is his salvation.

He thinks of all the times he has failed to show her his love, he plots and mentally makes plans to remedy that soon. Because starting today he would be more open in showing his love, he would be a man and a father that she could be proud off.

He will try, with all his might to be deserving of her. Even if it was one kiss at a time.

Fin


End file.
